ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
