Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
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