i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
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