Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
