They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
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