They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
