turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
