Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
