I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
No stitches, just platelets and will power
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
