I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
