Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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