JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
