on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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