My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize