Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
