I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize