he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Randomize