You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
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