I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
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