Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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