everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
