the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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