I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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