I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
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