mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
