my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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