update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
