so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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