No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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