I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize