can we get nightvision for the apartment?
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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