Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Randomize