I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
