Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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