Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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