That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Randomize
