"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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