He asked me if I "almost moaned"
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Randomize
