I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
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