There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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