I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
