My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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