please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
