I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
