Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
