the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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