so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Randomize
