my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Randomize
