none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
