I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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