is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
