Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
