Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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