In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
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