come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
