Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Randomize
