Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize