omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
so much tequila, so little girl.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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