I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
it's like heaven, but drunker
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Randomize
