are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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