I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
